Saturday, January 4, 2014

Sometimes, I Just Write

I will still write. Not about Noah. Not here. Not for probably a long time. Or maybe ever. But about other things. And about my other 5 children. This does not in any way mean I'm good, or over it, or healing, or moving on or whatever other ridiculous assumption some may make. It just means I'm writing. I'm recording. That's what I've always done. Even if it's a few sentences scrawled on the back of  a scrap of paper. It helps me not go completely crazy. But it doesn't 'mean' anything. There are just still things happening around me, the kids still say sweet or funny things, and I have to notice. They have to know that at least in moments, I still see them, they still make sense even though nothing else does right now. They are why I breathe in one more time, and then one more time...

No words of wisdom or inspiration.

No deep dark anything.

Some things have to be, and have to stay, private, and close to your heart. And now, there are so, so many of those things.

So I will just, sometimes, simply, write.

About Marley. About her begging for a pet.

M: Mum, I can't have a cat becauthe they give you allergieth.
Me: That's right, babe.
M: But are you allergic to dogth?
Me: To some dogs, yes.
M: Well can I have a hamthter?
Me: Even hamsters are a lot of work, honey.
M: But Mum. I will feeeed hiiiim, and take him for waaaalkth...

Marley putting a leash on her hamster and taking it for a walk. It's not going to happen, poor thing, but the visual is a happy one.


Stephanie said...

I love to hear your voice, regardless of what it says. Keep writing! It helps me stay connected to you and your family. And I sure love you and your family... even if you never get a hamster with a leash to walk around the neighborhood ('cause let's be honest, that is a GREAT visual image!) :)

Megan Roth said...

Please keep writing :o)

Katey said...

What about a Furby? Can she have a Furby?