Stretched

Physically, yes, there is stretching happening. I feel like I look about 11 months pregnant right now, and I've still got a long way to go.

I don't have tiny babies. With Marley, I only gained 19 lbs, and she was 9lbs 3oz of that. I am not a large person, so babies have no choice but to grow outward, there is no stretching out lengthwise for my kids. Plus, you know, after a certain point (ie baby number 4 or 5), your muscles hang on for a while there, and then they're just like, Meh, forget it. That would explain why within about a week I went from being able to suck it in, to well, not.

With pregnancy I get a gimp hip that sometimes hurts so much it stops me in my tracks, leaving me unable to stand without support, and carpal tunnel that makes it really hard to do anything that requires a bit of a grip, like cutting with scissors, doing my hair or make-up, using a knife in food preparation, writing, etc. It's a trade-off that I'm happy to make considering I get an entire baby at the end of this thing, it just makes things a bit more challenging than usual right now. Which leads me to the other reasons I'm stretching and feeling some growing pains.

We've lived in this house for 11 months now, and still don't feel at home here. We love the house, we just don't have friends nearby which we have always had our whole married life. The kids have always had friends right outside the front door too. Not here. Noah is getting bigger and that's creating new challenges all the time. Jeremy's schedule is anything but regular, though he's working on several things at any given time. We are far away from family. That part is tough for me.

Our life is just not normal or in any way predictable and I'm realizing that's the way it's going to stay. So while part of me wonders how on earth we're going to manage with one more child, the other part of me is thinking, heck, let's adopt a couple more. We're already a zoo, we already have limitations on what we can do and where we can go, we already have to divide and conquer at church and everywhere else, we already have a necessary lack of spontaneity as a family, so what else are we doing? This. This is what we're doing. We hit crazy a long time ago, and you don't get more crazy. You're crazy. We're there.

I used to ask my mom with each pregnancy, "How do you go from one to two? (Or two to three?) We can barely manage where we are!". And she would wisely tell me that your abilities stretch and grow as your family does. It just happens. I haven't asked those questions in these last two pregnancies, because I've seen what she said work in my own life.

The other thing that's changing in me is the tendency to regret what we're missing due to our unusual life. There's no need for it. All I want is a happy family, to know that I'm following the path God would have me follow and doing the things He'd have me do, to be a good person, and beyond that? Just details and bonuses. And then, guess what? I'm not missing anything. I'm living precisely the life that I "should" have. Is it perfect? Far from it. There's still noise and impatience and tears and trial... but again it's that trade-off thing. I'll take the mess and chaos if it means having and associating with my amazing children. I will grow into being a mother of five. I'll be stretched beyond paper thin at times, but I'll have this family. Where much is given much is required. But much, much more is given.