I Don’t Know

I haven’t written in years. I didn’t miss it. Not for a long time. But lately I feel that part of me, flickering like some long unused lightbulb. Do I have something important to say? I don’t know. I don’t even feel like I am the same me that used to write this blog for years. Who am I now? I don’t know. Still a mom. To fewer than I’d like. Still strong, though in ways I never wanted to be. A little more beaten down. A little wiser. A little softer and a little harder too. Still fiercely love my people, though those circles have changed some. They have to when everything blows up. It can’t be helped.

It really feels like I don’t know much of anything now. I used to think I had so many things figured out. I was so, so wrong.

What’s left? What do I know? Not a lot, but here are a few things off the top of my head:

I love my kids. And I can never deserve them.
Laughter is survival.
A few real, consistent, fearless friends are not only enough, but a second, equally important heartbeat.
Affection soothes and heals.
A kind word or compliment is never wasted.
Welcome touch and human contact is good.
I am no better or worse than anyone.
Judgement is cowardly or prideful. Being either means you can never really love anybody.
I am not who or what anybody else thinks I am just because they think or say it.
I am ok with being misunderstood. And disliked. And written off.
Music and singing loudly always helps.
Babies are the best humans.
Brilliance and beauty can take on many forms and can always be found.
Words and actions have to line up or neither mean anything.
I can change my mind. And change it again. Keeping it open keeps it worth not losing.
My body is flawed and also perfect. Supported me through the impossible.
Love doesn’t mean the same thing to everybody.
Food can be joy.
Some things will never ever not be hard.
Grief is normal. And the worst of it is as wild and shattering and inexplicable and terrifying as the depth of your love.
Energy can change states/forms but never disappears. Noah is somewhere.
I don’t have to earn worth/my place/acceptance. I’m good.
Life really is so short. It’s worth asking yourself if you are spending yourself and it in the ways you really want to.
Shoulds will crush you.
Somebody can’t live with the thought of living without you.
Rain is beautiful weather.
Whoever crosses your path, it’s probably no accident. What you do with that is up to you. Try not to miss the good stuff.

I’m sure there’s more. Life has not gone like I expected or hoped, in many ways. But I am open, like an eager new right wing in the first soccer game of the season, and maybe I score and maybe I end up with a black eye and a sprained ankle in the first 3 minutes, but I am still freaking playing the game. For how long? I don’t know. But I am playing the crap out of it while I am still on the field.