Thursday, November 29, 2012

Dastardly Dreams

Daydreams are good. I have control over those. They can be useful in sorting things out in your head, or escaping,  or even discovering goals.

Nighttime dreams, however are something I could do without. For most of my life, my dreams have been bad. And detailed. I used to have dreams all the time that featured me being kidnapped, chased, followed or in some other imminent danger. There was one where I ended up stabbed in the leg, that was so real, I woke up with a start, my heart racing, and frantically moved my nightgown to check my leg. I was certain I would find a wound or scar there. Happily, I don't dream, or at least remember dreaming, every night.

Nowadays, it's less me in danger, but often my kids, which is far worse. Waking up and taking a moment before you realize that your child is not in fact missing, is for that moment, terrifying. Not all of my dreams are scary anymore, though the bulk of them still are. I also have nights where I dream something so fabulous, happy, joyful, that waking up to reality is the hard part. I've had dreams featuring Noah that have left me in tears in the morning, where I have had glimpses of what I believe is his true, unhindered self. It's magnificent. It also brings some sadness and longing for that day when I can ask him how he feels and he will be able to answer.

I had a dream last night that was short, incomplete, even boring, that in all truth I barely remember. But there was so much joy and love and laughter in it, I would like to have stayed there much longer. I was near bursting with how happy and peaceful I felt. That feeling was quickly gone and replaced by fatigue and stress upon waking. I can never decide if those dreams are some sort of cruel joke, or if they're little seeds of sanity being planted in my brain to get me through the hard bits of life. I never want to read too much into the odd positive dream that I have since they are the exception and not the rule, and I certainly don't want to have to give equal weight to the awful ones, as far as meaning or significance. I know there are those who would analyze and assign meaning to every little detail. I honestly don't see how any of that is any more than a guess.

More useful to me than analysis would be some sort of formula for good dreams only. Or better yet, none at all. My greatest dream these days is to sleep, uninterrupted. I guess this little boy of mine is helping in one sense, by almost never allowing me to reach dream-level-deepness of sleep. Not so much helping on the 'uninterrupted' part.

Do you dream? Do you have recurring themes? Are your dreams more enjoyable than drain?


SOvalid said...

I love reading what you write with such poignant effort. My dreams have become more intense, negative, and frightening since becoming a mother....and I've had a few good ones with my mom in them, but the ratio is 85% bad/blah to 15% good. Or maybe 90/10 really. Most of the time I'm relieved when I wake up. And yes, the dreamless nights are the best. It'll be interesting to one day have full knowledge and know what all the silly and craziness was all about

Kristen said...

My dreams are very similar to yours. I don't even want to talk about it.

Mariah said...

I have recurring themes that run for years at a time.i'd say my bad /blah to good ratio is somewhere close to 95/5%, which, thankfully is not indicative of real life. I think a majority of my bad dreams are just my brain trying to figure out the fears and events of the season. They all have some meaningful symbols, but are mostly not meaningful beyond the brain's analysis of the times. I tend to give much more credence to the good ones since they are more rare. I'm with you in that I wish I had a formula for having the good kind more frequently. Most nights I wake before morning, wishing my dreams hadn't disturbed my sleep.