My last pregnancy was rough. Fifteen weeks of mind bending nausea (I never threw up, but wished I would for just a moment of relief), a 2 month bout with walking pneumonia, a screwy hip that made it excruciatingly painful to walk or even stand for about the last 4-5 months, plus the usual aches, pains, worries (a little miscarriage scare, anyone?) and unbelievable fatigue. My body was telling me it was done. It felt like it was falling apart beneath me.
So that's it. No more pregnancies. Instead of celebrating never having to do that again, I'm sad. There is nothing more amazing I will ever do in my life, and I plan on doing some pretty great things. But growing a person, feeling them move, giving birth, seeing each little face for the first time... there is nothing that can ever top any of that for me. It seems many women are so relieved to be done, and then can't wait for all their kids to be in school, but I guess I'm just weird. I'm in no rush. There are so many phases and days and moments I would pause if I could. If I felt like I could physically manage it, I would have more- at least one, and maybe 2 or 3. But I know I can't.
I didn't expect to feel this way.
I am not ungrateful. I realize, I know the blessing it is that I got to have my five. Something many women long for but can't do for a multitude of reasons, I got to do. And it was incredible. So leaving this phase behind is hard. From pregnancy to newborns to my midwife to miracles that happened along the way, it's hard to imagine life without any of that. I can't even begin to list the things I have learned and become from this phase of my life.
But now, I will never not be a mother. That is the joyful note I choose to keep playing. It's my bit of heaven on earth. Yes, even on the days that are a wee bit, um, challenging. I sometimes find it hard to believe that I could really be this lucky. These kids? The best people I know. I tell them all the time, "I am the luckiest Mum because I got you. Nobody else got you."
But for the moment, I'm allowing myself to feel a little bit sad. End of an era, folks. End of an era.
5 comments:
I could have written this post, but you said it much more eloquently than I ever could have. It brought it all back to me like it was yesterday! But, if it's any help to you, my baby is now two. While I have brief flashes of nostalgic longing for the "old days" of babies and multiple car seats and all the hoopla that surrounded having many young children.....there is a quiet, subtle joy that has come from having older children. I watch them develop their talents, personalities, social skills, testimonies and I think "Wow, we created something that can do THAT!" I sent one off to college this year. My family is evolving into something more than the Old Mother Hubbard sequel. It's a bittersweet time, but I find the sweetness superseding the bitter more and more. There is life after babies. And it is great.
Love ya,
Heather
I am having a hard time with this too. I feel like I am missing someone, but Jonathan is terrified another pregnancy will kill me. I am blessed to have my 3 I get to raise now and my son to raise later.
Thank you. I really needed this. I've been struggling a lot. I keep trying to post about it but can't. It feels more like depression than sadness. Which makes me question our decision - even though it didn't feel like a decision. We somehow knew. For years I had prayed to know when it was our last. But now I keep hoping we'll have a "surprise" baby. How messed up is that? But then I would have one more baby and I wouldn't be responsible for going against impressions and playing the genetic baby roulette game one more time. But God is so good and keeps sending me more signs, but He's probably about had it with me. So I'm trying to convince myself that I'm just nostalgic. And your words are so comforting. I have a lot of mothering ahead of me - for an eternity. That's pretty cool! We are so blessed.
That was totally about me, I'm sorry. I hope you can keep finding bright rays of sunshine to keep you going. It is certainly okay to be sad. You're letting go of a beautiful part of your life. You've done it, congrats! You've survived and your little troupe of rockstars are here. Time to play! (And cry on occasion.)
Hi Wendy. I felt the same when my husband went for the snip in the summer. I know I'm blessed to have four kids. I'm not sure I could raise more than four. I was never one of those woman who really loved the baby stage. But I was really sad at the thought of never having a baby again. I still haven't worked out why. Maybe it's the feeling that it's the end of an era. Maybe it's the feeling woman get when they enter menopause and the decision to have more kids is taken away from them independent of their own desires. I have no idea. But I know that I felt and sometimes still feel the sadness you describe about not having any more children. You're not alone Wendy feeling like this. I'm sure it passes.
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