I'm fine.
It looks great!
I'm just tired, that's all.
That's ok.
Nothing.
How many times a day do you lie without even batting an eye? The lady behind you in line who just rammed her cart into your ankle for the second time in 30 seconds is fine, is she? It's ok that your friend didn't call you once all week after swearing she would? That's ok? Really?
Your kid broke an arm, you haven't slept for days, your marriage has been rocky for years, you are nearly completely broke, you are so lonely you've named the pit in your stomach so that you feel like you have company, you have red eyes today from crying last night over something no one even knows about, not from allergies, your friend's new haircut, not exactly flattering, you are haunted daily by mistakes you made decades ago, you have an ex-spouse who's still trying to run your life, you're questioning things that used to be so basic to you, you haven't eaten for days, you've been eating enough for 4 people lately...
Maybe you really are fine.
Maybe it really is nothing.
Maybe you really are just tired.
It could be you and not them.
Or maybe we all struggle sometimes, sometimes with really big things, and we should be able to say so. Why do those seemingly small lies slide so easily off of our tongues? Every time I say I'm fine, and I know it's not true, is that virtuous because I'm not complaining, and not worrying anyone around me, or am I just a big liar who might be denying someone an oppourtunity to help me?
Some people I know tell me how it really is for them, but most people don't. I'm guessing that most lie most of the time. Why? I get being optimistic, and being grateful, and not griping constantly, but I also get that we don't live on earth one at a time. We aren't here alone, because we need each other. The earth will not spin right off of its axis if you tell me the truth when I ask you how you are doing. The world will not stop and stare if you say out loud sometimes that things are not wonderful.
I may not have answers for you, some things may be nobody's business, but for the love of Pete, can we stop lying? I know you and your life are not perfect, you KNOW I'm not perfect, we're not fooling anyone. Well, we might be fooling some folks some of the time. But let me listen, or help, or pray, or support, because you probably need it. And so do I. That's the truth.
4 comments:
I went to a workshop where we talked about this topic. The concensus was that most people accept "fine" as an answer because THEY feel uncomfortable; they don't know what to say or do if you do really have a problem. And the ones who say "fine" just don't want to be a burden to someone else.
You probably already know this stuff though.
BTW, your new avatar looks like Regina Spektor. Cool.
WoW!! I love getting on your blog to see what you have come up with next. You are an amazing writer. I actually was just thinking about this topic...interesting. Well hey, my cell phone died and erased all my contacts, so if you have my # call me and lets get together or just have a good chat on the phone, if you don't have my # facebook me and I'll e-mail it to you.
I loved this post, thanks for your eloquent way to put things. It is so true that a lot of times people just tell you fine and you know for a fact that they aren't. It was really good to see you today at the farewell. Your family is adorable and I can't believe how big they are all getting.
Okay....it has been about twenty years since I have read anything you have written. i should have remembered how eloquent and wonderful you are! Remember when we used to write each other those 5 page letters back in the day?(as in take pen to paper and have to go to the post office!) I've apparently missed you without even knowing it. It's nice to have found you again!
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