I am up to my eyeballs in crazy. I am so tired, I'm working on a new word for what I am. I have vowed right after delivering each baby that we are done. I am pretty much terrified at the thought of another pregnancy, delivery, and post-partum stretch.
But I don't really feel like everybody is here.
I am hoping maybe that means there's a fortuitous adoption in our future.
But it might not.
I'd love to have a few years to think about it, but time ain't exactly on my side, if you know what I'm sayin'.
The problem, that is not really a problem considering my current career path, is that I adore my kids. I love babies, I feel like I can start them off in life knowing they are loved, secure and so very wanted. I know whenever I am on the other side of this growing-the-family phase, I will be sad. So am I just not wanting that part of life to end, or to have ended already? Am I always going to feel like there's someone missing because of our baby girl we lost when I was 18 weeks along? Or am I sensing that there really is somebody else, waiting to join in on the bedlam?
Part of me thinks, life is so insane, what's one more?
Well for one thing, it's one more.
I know better than to over-romanticize the whole baby thing. I've been knocked on my fanny by them more times than I care to remember. I also know better than to think I can be blase about looking back on my life, and potentially, realizing that we missed somebody, because we were too busy, or too scared, or too tired...
And Gabriel thinks Marley needs a sister.
And Duncan told me we need 2 more babies. But then, his imaginary friends Ellie and Loss may have planted that idea.
And did I mention how being over-tired can make you delusional? Maybe a few months of actual all-night sleep and an occasional B-12 shot will clear this whole thing up.
Or a whole lot of prayer.
