I Don't Get It: Baths

This is the first of what I'm sure will become a series of posts about things I just don't get.

I don't get baths.  Relaxing, soothing, blah, blah, blah.  They're not any of those things. Explain to me why, any reasonable grown person, why would you want to sit in a tub of your own funk? There you sit, marinating in a hot steaming tub of all the grime most people are aiming to clean off when they take a shower.  Well what about swimming pools, you ask?  That's why pool water is treated.  And it's not hot water.  And it is still just a little bit gross. 

 

Soaking in hot water is fine for a pinto bean, but I'm fairly certain people aren't meant to.  You come out sweaty (yes you are, you just can't tell because you're wet), more wrinkled than when you got in, and you still need a shower.  

My kids take baths because you can't make 'em stand in the shower when they can't even stand yet, and they love to play in the water.  But at my house they do not get rinsed with the water they've just been sitting in, nor is the water overly hot.  

Adults tend to take hot baths.  Hot water removes gunk.  That's why you wash dishes in it, that's why you sterilize things in it.  You would not wash your hands with that dish water after the dishes were done and call it good.  A hot bath is really the only way that something from your armpit can come in contact with the space between your toes.  Oh and that's just one example. Don't even get me started on all the places your toe jam could end up migrating in that lovely jetted tub.  Dim lights and a 2-foot layer of sweet-smelling bubbles floating on top does not change the fact that you're sitting in what is, in effect, body backwash.  

Maybe I'm missing the boat on one of life's great joys, I don't know.  You can keep your hot tubs and bathtubs.  De-funkification will be shower-centered at my house.

Tuck Me In and Go Get Me Some Water

Why do kids get all the good stuff?  They have the best blankets, all the silkiest, cushiest softest blankets there are.  What makes blanket manufacturers think that I want wool or not-soft cotton, just because I'm a grown up now?  I want a silky on one side, plush on the other side blanket in king size, thank-you very much.

Shoes with velcro, I'm just sayin', some mornings, would come in very handy for me.  And speaking of shoes, why can't I find a pair with Jude Law on them?

Not once after watching Law and Order has anyone on there told me how smart I am at the end for following the clues and solving the mystery.  But kids shows, you get kudos all the time for helping or guessing or tapping out a rhythm correctly...  I can totally do all that stuff, but no one cares.

Where's the Root Canal Fairy?  I could have used some money under my pillow that night, let me tell you.  If for nothing else than to help me pay for the darn thing.

I covet so many of my kids' toys, I don't know where to begin.  The Bilibo is probably the one for which I most want to not exceed the weight limit.  Is it a stool?  Is it a chair?  Is it a super awesome spinning ball of breath-taking fun?  I think so.  I'll never know unless someone decides to make a much bigger one. 

Sometimes I might want to colour a little bit while I wait for my food to come in a restaurant, but does anyone offer me crayons or even slightly more grown-up pastels? No.  Maybe a little toy ipod with my meal?  Nope.

I wouldn't mind, if every so often, one of my books had a pop-up, or a picture that changes when I move the page back and forth.

Their cereal has cute bright pictures all over the box, puzzles, and mazes... Adult cereal? Twigs. Ingredient lists that highlight fiber.  Brown.  Beige.  I ask you, who needs bright colours and mind awakening puzzles in the morning?  Me, having been up 3 times at night with a baby, stumbling into the kitchen with 4 kids in need of service?  Or the kids, who wake up bouncing off the walls, thrilled that the sun finally came up so they could come out of their rooms? Where's my cereal with a prize inside, maybe a scratch-off lottery card?

Well, I'm off.  Off to brush my teeth with non-sparkly toothpaste, put on my boring cotton non-footy pajamas.  Kids have no idea how good they have it.  They won't know until they aren't kids anymore.  Of course, I wouldn't want it any other way for them, I just wish it all lasted a few decades longer.