I am up to my eyeballs in crazy. I am so tired, I'm working on a new word for what I am. I have vowed right after delivering each baby that we are done. I am pretty much terrified at the thought of another pregnancy, delivery, and post-partum stretch.
But I don't really feel like everybody is here.
I am hoping maybe that means there's a fortuitous adoption in our future.
But it might not.
I'd love to have a few years to think about it, but time ain't exactly on my side, if you know what I'm sayin'.
The problem, that is not really a problem considering my current career path, is that I adore my kids. I love babies, I feel like I can start them off in life knowing they are loved, secure and so very wanted. I know whenever I am on the other side of this growing-the-family phase, I will be sad. So am I just not wanting that part of life to end, or to have ended already? Am I always going to feel like there's someone missing because of our baby girl we lost when I was 18 weeks along? Or am I sensing that there really is somebody else, waiting to join in on the bedlam?
Part of me thinks, life is so insane, what's one more?
Well for one thing, it's one more.
I know better than to over-romanticize the whole baby thing. I've been knocked on my fanny by them more times than I care to remember. I also know better than to think I can be blase about looking back on my life, and potentially, realizing that we missed somebody, because we were too busy, or too scared, or too tired...
And Gabriel thinks Marley needs a sister.
And Duncan told me we need 2 more babies. But then, his imaginary friends Ellie and Loss may have planted that idea.
And did I mention how being over-tired can make you delusional? Maybe a few months of actual all-night sleep and an occasional B-12 shot will clear this whole thing up.
Or a whole lot of prayer.
11 comments:
Wendy, I have so many of those same feelings. While I've been enjoying the freedom of having older kids and no napping schedules to live my life around, I don't want to be done with the newborn and toddler stages. They are so funny and cute. But at the same time, I worry about being stretched too thin, the emotional side of going through pregnancy and childbirth really scares me. I wish I had a direct answer for this kind of stuff!
You probably know I've gone through this same decision. At times I feel I'm giving all I've got and there IS no more to give. The problem is, I feel there are two more coming. I'm frustrated that I've been trying now for 9 months to get pregnant and it's not taking. If I wanted to do what I want I'd be done. Yes, I miss and love the baby/toddler stage, but I could be happy with the 4 I have. I just feel that Heavenly Father has something else in mind. It's hard isn't it? I hope you get the answers you're looking for. I feel the clock ticking too. :)
So tough to know which way to go sometimes. Good luck in your decision making!
I personally found that I allowed outer influences to cloud it for me...for example, a ton of friends saying that they felt there was still more out there. I too had the later miscarriage and wondered if that was a sign. Personally, I don't think there is a perfect, I just don't. This is an imperfect life with a million decisions and choices any one of which could completely derail whatever "plan" there was from the "beginning". In my own life, I have a step-son who has been mine full-time from the beginning. Was that one of life's bumps? Did his Dad "mess up" when he got married the first time and had him? Was he intended for me in some weird way, like an adopted child? I am neither spiritual enough or smart enough to figure this all out. I do believe that your family will be perfect with either decision...I just think the wondering is probably more telling of the fact that you are a thoughtful person who's potential is limitless.
I've been ignoring this post. It has been sitting in my Google Reader unread and will continue to be so for a few more days.
I feel like there's another kid, but after this last delivery, I'm kinda done. Surely, the otherwise nagging feeling will go away with enough ointment.
Stay close to the spirit as you make your decision. My youngest is starting school in the Fall and I'm starting over with a newborn about that same time. Crazy? Probably. But that's the way my "plan" unfolded itself. Be patient and you will know.
Agh.
So last night, I asked David to please read scriptures to me so I could relax and shoo away the hectic in my head.
He came into the room and read the part of his patriarchal blessing regarding his eternal mate and the children that would be coming through him.
I felt a mix of reassurance and sadness because I felt like there is another child waiting, and I SO DON'T WANT TO DO IT! ("it" being having kids, just to clarify)
we shall see...
We're like Christi, we'll have a baby in Aug and our youngest will turn 5 2 weeks later. Not exactly what I thought my "plan" was. We were d.o.n.e. But now the thought of not having this little girl is heartbreaking.
Amen. How about I decide for you and you decide for me. Sound fair? (Really.)
It is a hard thing to decide- harder than deciding to start having a family! I got our answer that we were done several times, yet still question it since committing to any decision is tough. No matter what your decision, I believe there will be moments that you wonder if it is right, since both have good and bad sides. I think that is why it is so hard; either way, you could be happy.
Wendy-
It is 2 am and I am up with a baby. And I wandered my little self to your old blog posts somehow and found this. Ahhh....I empathize with you. I was where you are not too long ago.
This baby is my last. I knew it from the very beginning of my pregnancy. I had prayed for the feeling of being done, because I wanted to know for sure. I didn't trust myself to make that big of decision on my own. But then with each baby...#'s 5,6,7 I was thinking really? Heavenly Father seriously wants me to have more? With my 6th I actually had a distinct feeling that he was not my last IN THE DELIVERY ROOM AFTER HAVING HIM WITH NO EPIDURAL! I was thinking "Heavenly Father, do you really need to tell me this right now?" But then I realized that if I could have that feeling at that time, it was clearly from God and not anything I was thinking on my own. And so I trusted that. But then with my 7th, I started to question myself again and I feared that I would be the next Mrs. Duggar with 17 kids and having babies into my late forties because I couldn't ever say I knew for sure I was done. And so I prayed for a very clear feeling about it. And I got it. I consider it a tender mercy. That being said, nothing about this last baby has been how I wanted my last baby to be- she was colicky, so I didn't enjoy and savor the newborn stage like I thought I would with my last. She was borderline failure to thrive and so I didn't get to nurse her as long as I have nursed my others, and I pictured myself nursing my last until she was walking up and saying "Mom, can I nurse now?" Life is moving so quickly with my other seven that I'm not spending eight hours a day cuddling her like I would like to. But I know she is my last biological child. I will tell you that while I know she is my last, I was surprised by the feelings of sadness that knowledge brought to my heart. I always thought I would be jumping for joy to know that I was done. But putting this phase of bringing children into the world behind me is not something to rejoice over, but something that I have mourned. I think I will always have some of those longing feelings when I hold a newborn of wanting to go back to that time when they are fresh from heaven, but that is just the maternal nature of my spirit. Will I adopt one day? Who knows. But for now, I feel my quiver is full.
Good luck with this. I would just say to be specific in your prayers about the feelings you need to have to help you know for sure.
I really love reading your blog- you're a great writer!
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