I'm Not the Girl That I Intend to Be

My title is a line from a Sarah Bareilles song, and every time I hear it, I am tempted to shout an "AMEN!" I am falling short pretty much across the board these days (please refrain from making any height jokes). It's not just a matter of not getting to things on my to-do list, although that is one glaring category. It's big things like the dreams I had once, the person I thought I was, or that I thought I'd be by now.

But life doesn't go in a straight line.

Sometimes that's my fault. I have made decisions and choices that have been everything from dumb to questionable to freaking brilliant. But that's the thing with decisions. They lead places. And you don't get to pick all the destinations.

And other people get to make decisions too. Sometimes they are not good at it.

Bad things happen even when you have good intentions and make good decisions.

You can mean well but make things worse.

You don't know what's coming. Ever. So what you do today, though it's great for today, might make the you five years from now crazy, that you were such a blockhead and so shortsighted.

Some good choices make other good choices impossible.

Some goof-ups won't ever go away. Ever.

You can have a dream, and even some talent, and the answer may still be no. Or it could be yes. And the no could be good and the yes could be bad in the end. Or vice versa and all that.

I intend to be better, smarter, happier, more productive, nicer, funnier, more care-free, more helpful... but. You know. I'm not.

Come to think of it, the girl I intend to be sounds like somebody I probably wouldn't hang out with. I kind of dig imperfection. What's that saying? "Everything has a crack. That's how the light gets in."

And light is good.

I may not be who and where I thought I'd be by now, but there is an awful lot of light in my life.